Happy Sunday! Looks like we are about to say goodbye to January. How is 2020 treating you so far? Too early to say eh? Wake up everyday feeling grateful. That is a start. This month, I have been reflecting on cancer and relationships. I look back at all the people who were instrumental to my healing and there is one common thread: they were all relationships I held dear to my heart.

If you are a newly diagnosed patient, I wrote this letter templates for you. Feel free to pick one and use as you choose. I have one to a parent, your spouse, your child, and a friend. Some parts might resonate, others might not. Shalom

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Dear Parent:

I have received a cancer diagnosis. It is heartbreaking. I am angry. It is what it is. I am not sure if this cancer is hereditary, but I would love if you can give me full details of our family medical history. The presence of a medical condition does not make us weak or any less human. It empowers me to have better conversations with my doctors and other caregivers.

The diagnosis is here. It is time to seek care. I need your emotional support. I need to lean on you more than you lean on me. I do not want to hear words like “be strong”. There are days when I will have no energy to be strong. I just want to be me. I want to know that as I undergo treatment, I am not worrying about your emotional wellbeing. You have not offended anyone. You did not bring this on yourself. Life happens. As you carry this burden with me, I also ask that you continue to live your life to the fullest. Don’t stop doing the things you used to do. Yes, you do have to make room to follow me to treatment if need be. However, let us do other fun things together.

It is okay to share the burden with close friends and like-minded people. There is no shame in it. They might even be able to refer us to better resources. Cancer is nothing to be ashamed of. We will pull through this. I want to let you know that I want to live. I want to fight. I want to live my life. I can only do it if I do not worry about you.

Much love

Your child.

************************************************************************Dear Spouse:

Honey, I have cancer. Ouch! When I was saying my vows and promising to be with you in sickness and in health, cancer was not part of it! But it is here. I am scared. My emotions are all over the place. We had great plans for this moment and our future, but cancer is here. Life has thrown an ugly curve ball.

It is time to seek care. Although I am the one carrying the cancer, I recognize and acknowledge that you have it as much as I do. You will see me grow bald; our sex life might hit a glitch; I will not be able to perform my duties as a spouse at the capacity I used to. BUT we can make this ugly situation work!

We have to be more transparent with each other more than ever.  We cannot afford to break down in communication. Yes, we will have moments (or I will have moments) to want to be alone, but we must never allow the gap to become a gulf. It is okay to be vulnerable with one another. The mood swings, the highs, the lows, the pains……we got this. I want us to walk together, attend parties together, go see a movie together, laugh together, cry together. Our newfound unity of purpose is needed for my recovery.

Here is my plea to you: this ugly curveball will not and must not dictate our lives. Let us put structures in place to ensure our home is running the way it should run. Let us leverage help. I need to heal and recover from treatment. I will outsource cleaning, homework duties for the kids, and some meals.

Let us access our finances. I am not sure what impact the cost of treatment will have on our savings but let us explore all options. Seeking additional help is not a sign of weakness. Let us involve our friends who can help baby-sit or take me for treatment while you rest and recuperate.

With God on our side, I know we will pull through this. I want to live. I want to fight. I cannot do it alone.

With all my heart

Your love

################################################################Dear child(ren):

I have cancer. I know, I am scared too.  The doctor has recommended that I begin treatment immediately. I know you are afraid and wondering if I am going to die. Don’t think that far yet! I will be going for treatment and all I ask is that you pray with me and continue to be your best.

I want you to live your life. Wake up, be grateful, go to school, spend time with your friends, do the things you used to do.

I am only asking that you help me from time to time when I need help. I might need you to help me wear my socks. I might need you to help me rub my back. I might need you to ensure my humidifier has water. A little help here and there will empower you too. You will come out of this process with more empathy. You will be more attentive to your friends when they come to you with their own problems. Trust me, this ugly situation will be teaching you some life skills.

I am so sorry you are being forced to grow up a bit quickly. We will get through this. Feel free to ask as many questions as you want. The more knowledge you have, the more power you have. I love you with all my heart. I am still here and very present in your life.

Much love

Your parent

************************************************************************Dear Friend:

Yup… cancer is here. I am pissed as hell. I do not know what to do. I do not have it figured out but I will be working with my doctor.

I am asking for your support and prayers. I know you have your own issues that you are dealing with. I will not be mad at you if you do not call me anymore or you disappear. I understand that not everyone is equipped to deal with the emotional drain that comes with a cancer diagnosis.

If you are my designated ‘ride and live’ cohort, let’s smack cancer in the face together! I want to party, I want to laugh, I want to live. I am going to be needing help in certain areas of my life. Let me know which part you want to help with.

Much love

Your bestie

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There you have it folks. Please leave a comment. Let me know what you think.

xoxo

OEMA